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Teen Parenting- A book resource |
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The rules do change a bit with a teenager but the basics remain the same. For some insight in dealing with the surliness of the teenager along with some humor, read: Get Out of My Life, but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall? By Anthony E.Wolf, PhD. It provides an overview of adolescent behavior, which normalizes it and frames it in the realm of developmental tasks. It also does a nice job of identifying the hooks that teenagers consciously and unconsciously use to bait parents. It reminds parents of what they can and cannot control in their teens lives. When I first read this book, I thought the examples were extreme but as my own child grew into the teen years, they became more realistic.
An elderly woman in front of you is driving 25 miles per hour as you rush to work. How do you react? Your child spills his drink all over your newly cleaned floor. How do you react? These and many other every day situtations are enough to get some people very angry. Yet others would be unfazed or react calmly. What is the
difference between these two types of people and how can the angry reactor modify his behavior? Anger is a secondary emotion that commonly masks other more vulnerable emotions. Feelings like hurt, jealousy, guilt and sadness for some are more easily expressed through anger. Even if the emotion is unstated, it is often easier to feel angry at someone than acknowledge that they hurt your feelings. The problem with anger is that it often gets out of control. If expressed too aggresively it can hurt others and damage relationships. If unexpressed and held in, it can manifest itself physcially through headaches or other somatic symptoms. Also unexpressed anger seems to feed itself and grow and at times may begin to feel like an obsession. So what should we do with our anger? Anger is a normal reaction to many events. It should be validated and recognized but in order to express it in a healthy way, it should be examined. Here are some questions to ask yourself when thinking about your anger. Is my feeling of anger proportionate to its trigger? In other words, do you get just as angry when your kids spill a drink as you do when they talk back to you? If so, you might think about what else is feeding your anger. What do you do when you are angry? Do you throw things, fume silently or attack others? Have relationships been effected by your anger? If there are negative consequences after an an anger filled event it might be worth examining the origins of your anger. What triggers my anger? Is it the little things that push you over the edge? I s there a feeling that triggers anger? For example, do you lash out when you begin to feel vulnerable or guilty. Understanding one’s tirggers is the first step in modifying behavior. How do I feel when I start to get angry? It is easier to calm down when feeling a little angry. If you can begin to notice how your body feels as you begin to get angry, you can use other techniques to calm yourself down before the anger accelerates. What works to calm me down? Pay attention to ways that have worked in the past. Some examples are listening to music, taking a walk or using humor. Anger is a common and complicated emotion. If your anger is negatively impacting important relationships in your life or you are using alcohol or drugs to calm yourself, seek professional help in examining the sources of your anger.
 The generational boundary that has historically existed between children and adults has been eroded. Initially, a child is shown as she fails to honor this boundary. After instruction from the mentor, she addresses the adult with a title to demonstrate respect. Respect is defined by the teacher as a matter of behavior (“using courteous language in a pleasant tone of voice”), not an emotion or thought. Thus the child is counseled to behave in a respectful fashion even if she may not feel respect for the adult. Inconsiderate behavior followed by consideration on the part of the child is then demonstrated.
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